The Paradox Of Attractiveness

To some degree, everyone is attractive.

In fact, a friend agreed that if your standards are low enough, you will end up with someone.

Or my favourite from Jose Zuniga from Teaching Men's Fashion,

"No one is truly ugly. You just don't know how to present yourself."

Back in Grade 12 Math Methods class Term 3, there was talks of formal: who was taking who to the end of year celebration for the school seniors.

Arrogantly, even without the prospect of a formal partner, I exuded the confidence of having two people joining me.

Saying I was,

"The cream of the crop."

What makes this memory painful is a friend, who is arguably the most conventionally attractive person from our friend group, disagreeing with this statement.

(And everyone else, for that matter)

Delusional is what you would have called me, and rightfully so.

Fast forward a few months.

With a bit of courage, I end up going to formal with one of the prettiest girls from the cohort.

I don't want to write it as bragging, or proving people right.

If God proves anything, like in the book of Ecclesiastes, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.

Look, from a human perspective, if someone said they were the cream of the crop, I'd make sure they didn't get a formal partner as divine justice.

(Then again, I did get friendzoned. Maybe that was the divine justice?)

The point I'm trying to make telling you this story is to pose a question:

Is attractiveness determined by outside, or by internal validation?

I believe it's a mixture of both.

Take for example, the advice I give about fashion.

The most attractive thing you can wear is the thing you find the most attractive.

It's a spectrum.

If you dress yourself, live your life in a particular way that is meant to be attractive to other people, it might have the opposite effect.

In saying that, I have a personal anecdote of a friend whose philosophy of becoming attractive that being 'becoming more fuckable'.

What is the goal post? Because, the attraction needed to hook up with a one night stand is different from attracting your future wife.

So, could 'attractiveness' be then not universal in the sense that depending on the goal.

I want to pivot a bit with the idea of beauty. Is it something that is found? Or a perspective us humans have?

By what was given by our heavenly Father, you can instinctively tell whether something is beautiful or not. Look at photos of Cathedrals, paintings, jewelry, cars, people.

It's a feeling. An instinct.

Pulling back, I think it's of a better position to believe you're not that attractive and other people believe otherwise.

Have others talk you up.

As scripture says it,

"For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:12"

I remember during the last month of my stay in Japan, I hung out at a local park doing pull ups and push ups.

There was a Mexican and a Filipino near by. I was trying to sus them out whether or not they spoke English.

After my workout, I started a conversation.

It eventually landed towards the topic of dating.

The Mexican complimented that I was in good shape (it can always be better) and I was an attractive looking guy.

I kept brushing it off. But again, it's always a pleasant surprise when someone compliments you.

It's better to be humbled. To not think of yourself too highly just by your ability to attract people.

The same reason why I do not envy people who are attractive and sleep around.

Fantastic, you don't use your attractiveness to find a life partner to embark on the journey of marriage and parenthood.

We value different things, hence the lack of envy.

Then you can argue the separation of attractiveness between the physical and character.

There was a girl in my digital solutions class. This is what I said about her during my Senior year,

"Look, she's attractive. But I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole."

For why was it? The character in which she inherently had.

See, if I was optimising to be with someone attractive to attain the validation of other people, then I wouldn't care if she was a bit crazy.

Also, I do realise in Grade 9, there were two girls who found me attractive.

One of them I think because I was treating her like a friend, constantly asking to take her fitbit watch from her so I can track my heart rate.

The other, was attracted to my ideas. Not necessarily physically attracted to me.

I believe it's quite plausible to make such statement. Look at the recent trends of romance and smutty novels that draw crowds of younger women.

As for us guys, it's a bit tougher becoming attracted to someone we have never seen.

But, do I need to have the external world tell me that I am attractive? Or is it an internal knowing of my value that seeps into the influence of others?

Another reflection on my singleness. I am the only colleague who is 'single'.

I got self-conscious of it. Is there something wrong with me? Why are these people in relationships, and not me?

Perhaps a natural reaction for wanting to be in the in-group. Also, a differentiating myself from the group creates a sort of superiority complex to justify my singleness.

Then again, the advice I heard,

"I should have built myself up before I found someone."

"You've got time, bud."

I confide with my brother. How we think so deeply about such simple things.

Like, a normal person would likely not give a fuck and go onto the dating apps.

Is it my personality?

No, it becomes the wrong game.

You're not meant to attract everyone. .

I think of what Naval Ravikant says, you're more so running a filter rather than a search function.

Because of the global nature of our connections, it becomes a matter of sifting through potential prospects until you find someone who is worth establishing a relationship with.

With this mentality, does that mean I am attracting someone who thinks the same?

Perhaps, so.

We value someone who has many options.

What about having the right option?

It doesn't matter if you've got 100's of people who are attracted to you if you cannot find someone who will journey life together with.

That's almost a different form of loneliness in itself.

Back to the original question,

"Is attractiveness determined by outside, or by internal validation?"

There's no argument there is a biological, and even divine system, that helps determine what is attractive and not.

Depending on what game is being played, whether the short or long term, is what helps navigates subject judgement of object attractiveness.