Dating, Sex And Marriage
Quite recently I've went down a rabbit hole of dating and marriage.
Working at the electronics retail store, it sort of has made me self-conscious of my singleness. If I counted it correctly, almost 75% of my colleagues are in a relationship.
Rather than trying to dive in the dating scene out of desperation, I'm here to explore:
- What's the point of dating?
- Objectifying people
- The danger of 'practice'
- Not just because of 'religion'
- The significance of marriage
- Genuine desire, or social pressure?
- A general principle for becoming the best partner you can be
What Is The Point Of Dating?
Back in Grade 10, I heard something stupid by a girl to her friend who asked about her one month relationship,
"I don't know. We'll see where it goes."
Why do people end up in arrangements that have no purpose? I reflect upon my only experience. Really, I was exercising my ability to be courageous. But after asking her out, I did not have an aim or goal with the relationship.
This piece of advice comes from Michael Knowles. After each date, you gotta ask yourself the question,
"Do I want to continue seeing this person?"
The actual point of dating is to eventuate to marriage. If the answer is anything but the future in mind, you are giving to the whims of immediate gratification.
The Significance Of Marriage
Some part of me finds it strange that people will date a long time and will not marry.
"Oh, but we do not need marriage to validate our partnership."
There is a reason why marriages are done in churches. Do you even know the significance of marriage?
If you think it's like any other relationship then you are dead wrong.
As Jordan Peterson explains, it's intertwining ropes of time to create a stronger rope through a formal agreement that transcends time itself.
Why is it we say our vows in a church? In the house of God? In front of our family and community?
You say your vows in front of your families, community and God to be held accountable to professing your faithfulness.
What does it mean to be faithful? It means to honour the becoming of one.
Suffering is a given of life.
To make a vow is to be faithful to your other half. The faith that with the correct sacrifices and work that the future will reveal itself as meaningful and hopeful.
That is what it means to 'be faithful' to your spouse.
"I'm not ready to get married."
Then is it fair to say you're not ready to date? If you are unwilling to make that commitment, are acting out of a lower than higher aim?
The Negatives Of Living As An Unmarried Couple
Interesting watch of Peterson discussing that married couples that lived with each previously unmarried had a higher chance of divorce.
Why is that?
Imagine the living arrangement,
"Let's live together. But if there is someone better that comes along, you're allowed to go."
Particularly among women, there might be a quiet resentment to her spouse not asking for marriage. From a biological perspective, they've got a smaller window.
To enter a marriage is to secure resources for her children and herself when raising the children.
"Practice"
"You must score the easy shots, before you go for the 3 pointer line. What happens if you bag a baddie and can't perform?"
Have high standards for the partner you choose. Do not settle for less, it reflects of you're own self worth.
You make your lack of dating experience a problem only if you make it one. For if your future partner regards it as a problem, they're a bit of a dick.
And when people say 'experience' they probably mean on physical intimacy. This argument gets invalidated when you can consider that a relationship is MORE than satisfying immediate physical gratification.
By that logic, to get your dream partner you must have previous experience with other partners. But, wouldn't the dream partner not care for your inexperience?
The very least, they might reflect on the quality of your previous experiences.
Personally if you asked, I do not want my wife to look at my previous dates and ask why I went out with them when they were clearly not wife material.
Objectifying People: How Fucked Up Is Casual Sex?
You are using someone else for your own selfish pleasure. Stripping the emotional aspect of intimacy, you are essentially using them as an object for your own desire.
Using them as a means to a shallow ends.
Two scenarios can play out for two parties: one wishes for long term commitment where the other does not; both mutually agree an arrangement that does not require emotional connections.
One sided love; friends with benefits.
On a subconscious level, I believe you will feel used. Even if both parties agree to such arrangement. Because if you are reduced to only your ability to provide value through sexual gratification with disregard of emotion, psychological and character: that is the very definition of objectification.
You are just a means to someone else's end.
"I'm using them as a means for my end as well."
Such statement doesn't help the fact that you are both still using each other.
People who enter such arrangements tend to be anxious-detached. Fearful of being attached and committed to someone that they will keep themselves distant whilst doing the most vulnerable act you can do with another human being.
Nudity, inherent in its nature, there is nothing to hide. All your flaws, physical and emotional, are on display for your partner.
Attempting to divorce sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy will create drastic consequences.
Especially when pair bonding later in the future.
(There's plenty of literature suggesting higher the body count of an individual, the more likely for them to enter a marriage ending in divorce. There's almost a reason why sex before marriage is frowned upon)
The Ultimate Litmus Test
We've figured out that we're optimising for marriage. One of the tests I use on myself is I think,
"Am I the kind of person I'd let my daughter date? Or is my wife the kind of person I'd let my son date?"
Stupidity is when knowing what is the wrong decision, but still going forward with it.
Out of principle I think of my future family: my wife and future children.
Am I confident enough to show myself as the husband I need for them? That my past is not twisted with dark fantasy.
As a father to my kids, I'm setting the example of how to:
- Be a worthy partner
- Select a worthy partner
Not A Case Of Religion
Amongst our friend group, there is some division between views regarding sexuality.
One particular mate will play it off as, "Being religious."
"God said so."
Never will I say this. That is a surface level answer to any biblical answer to any question. I try giving the other side more explanation.
Firstly, let's establish the definition of God. Multiple meanings because He's a spirit transcendent of reality itself. Let's say He's the highest good.
Is it the highest good to go sleeping around? To have shallow relationships? To objectify other people?
(A strange culture, worldly men encourage their friends to get their first sexual experience. Yet, they will not with a man of God or follower of Christ. Fully knowing our heart is for marriage.)
Gift Of Sexuality
You're body does not belong to you. It belongs to your Creator as He has given it to you. In the scriptures, when in a marriage, your body is for your partner's pleasure and vis versa.
The One
"You got to find the one."
It is not found, the choice is made. These are the same men who will say they practice exercising their sexuality before committing to 'The One'. If she is waiting for you, are you indirectly cheating on her by sleeping with other women?
"There's no commitment, yet. So, it's not cheating."
These men are fine with diverting from the path of finding the one by going on pitstops.
"Would The One want you to do that?"
I ask that, then they'll extend that permission to their imaginary One.
The person you choose as a partner will reflect on you. If you couldn't wait for her, then she might not wait for you.
And, go with a man who is holier than thou.
The Approval Of Others
Why do you want to have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Is it your genuine desire, or others around you placing their desires onto you?
How many relationships exist simply because two people are uncomfortable with being alone?
General Principle
Most of these people do not have marriage or children in mind when indulging in this kind of hedonism.
I act according to how I would want my son or daughter to act.
If the game is long term, why play any other game?
I think of the clip from Jordan Peterson saying, "No one is truly mature until they have children."
Sources
YouVersion Staff